Do you often utter the words, ‘It is what it is’ when life hasn’t gone to plan and things have gone a bit pear-shaped? Or when something has happened that feels out of your control?

I’ve said this phrase many times myself. And the fact of the matter is that sometimes it is what it is right? The phrase just fits and sums things up perfectly. Nothing could have been done to change the outcome of whatever the situation was.

I’m conflicted because part of me thinks that this is radical acceptance in action - acknowledging that an unchangeable event has happened, good or bad, and focusing on coping rather than complaining.

But another part of me has a slight bug bear about this phrase.

On the surface, it seems okay. It’s like we are accepting a situation that’s not gone our way: a job we didn’t get; a minor car accident; a missed train; a relationship that’s ended.

We recognise we can’t change it and so we come out with the old classic, ‘It is what it is’, we shrug our shoulders and move on. 

However, I wonder sometimes if we are a bit too quick to jump to this place of acceptance without giving ourselves time to even allow our feelings to make themselves known.

Have we even given ourselves more than a nano second to feel something?

Have we taken five minutes to process what happened before diving straight to a place of acceptance?

Surely we might have some feelings about not getting the job? Or writing off our car, or our relationship ending?! Saying ‘It is what it is’ won’t make them disappear!

I wonder sometimes if we forget that we are actually ALLOWED to have some feelings about things that haven’t gone our way. We don’t have to put a brave face on all the time.

I think we’ve been taught that indulging our feelings is somehow frivolous, or that we are being a bit narcissistic or dramatic. That if we spend any time at all feeling down or upset over things that haven’t gone right that we are wallowing. Someone might accuse us of being too sensitive.

But the way I see it, it’s not wallowing - it’s allowing. They are very different. And that difference is more than just a W!

Allowing our feelings means recognising we might not be okay with what happened. That maybe we are holding some disappointment, some frustration, some anger even. Allowing ourselves to feel, is about giving ourselves permission. It’s about meeting ourselves fully as we are. Not having to pretend that we’re okay when we’re not. Not having to keep everything contained for fear of looking weak if we show that something has bothered us. That’s about other people.

Allowing is healthy. Allowing is how you process things.

It’s only wallowing if you unpack your suitcase and stay there.

If you hold on to the emotions and become consumed by them.

One of my many observations as a therapist is how resistant we can be to feeling. Especially what we perceive as ‘negative’ emotions.

As a society, we are so frightened of our feelings! We think somehow that they are going to swallow us up and that if we allow ourselves to cry, we’ll never stop. We’re afraid to look like we’re affected by things. But the reality is that we are - and that’s okay!

The older I get, I’m learning that the answer to almost any question or problem in life is in finding balance.

I believe there is a sweet spot where we can both feel our feelings, allow them to just be, then let them go and find acceptance before moving on.

But for me, the bit that seems to be missing for lots of people is the connection to their feelings. They just can’t seem to access them - or they are afraid to.

The next time life gives you lemons, and you catch yourself uttering ‘It is what it is’, take a moment to reflect on how you actually feel. What might you be feeling but not expressing? What would it be like to feel a sense of disappointment? Anger? Frustration? Can you withstand the discomfort of these emotions?

There’s only one way to increase our tolerance and capacity for uncomfortable feelings and that’s by sitting with them and allowing them. I realise this might not be what you want to hear, but hey, I didn’t make the rules.

It is what it is. 🤷🏻‍♀️